Understanding and Overcoming Perfectionism: A Personal Approach

Perfectionism is a term we often use flippantly to describe someone with high standards. However, perfectionism is a genuine personality trait characterised by setting excessively high performance standards and becoming overly critical when these standards are unmet.

It is a double-edged sword; on one side, it can drive people to work hard to achieve their goals, but on the other, it can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety as individuals relentlessly push themselves to meet unrealistic standards. Believing that approval from others is contingent on achieving perfection, perfectionists worry about making mistakes and the consequences of falling short. When they do fall short, they tend to blame themselves, their ability, or their effort, which can adversely affect their self-worth. Does this sound familar?

Types of Perfectionism

Research by Hewitt and Flett categorises perfectionism into three types:

1. Self-Oriented Perfectionists:

These individuals set high-performance standards for themselves and are highly self-critical when they fail to meet these standards.

2. Other-Oriented Perfectionists:

These perfectionists set high standards for significant others, such as spouses, children, and co-workers, and are highly critical when others fail to meet these standards.

3. Socially-Prescribed Perfectionists:

These individuals feel pressured to meet the unrealistic high standards set by others and believe they are being judged by an imaginary audience when they don’t live up to these perceived standards.

Socially-Prescribed Perfectionists - believe they are being judged by an imaginary audience.

Recognising the Signs of Perfectionism

Recognising perfectionism in yourself or others can be challenging. Here are eight signs to help identify this trait:

1. All or Nothing Thinking:

This type of thinking involves extremes; something is either good or bad, right or wrong. You achieve the intended goal, or you fail; there is no in-between. For instance, a student aiming for an A on a test may feel distraught when they receive a B.

2. Critical of Mistakes and Errors:

Perfectionists are vigilant in ensuring their work meets the highest standards. They can spot an error a mile away and are highly critical of themselves and their work. They are also not shy about criticising others’ mistakes.

3. Unrealistically High Standards:

Setting goals is healthy, but perfectionists often set the bar unrealistically high, which can lead to chronic dissatisfaction and a sense of failure.

4. Fear of Failure:

Perfectionists have an intense fear of failure. They often avoid tasks or situations where they believe they might fail, missing out on opportunities for growth and learning.

5. Procrastination:

Contrary to popular belief, perfectionists can procrastinate. The fear of not being able to complete a task perfectly can lead to putting it off altogether.

6. Overemphasis on Results:

The end result is everything for perfectionists. They often neglect the process and the learning that comes with it, focusing solely on the outcome.

7. Difficulty Delegating:

Perfectionists often find it challenging to trust others to complete tasks. They believe no one else can meet their high standards, leading to a reluctance to delegate.

8. Low Self-Esteem:

Perfectionists often tie their self-worth to their achievements. When they fall short, it can significantly impact their self-esteem.

Personal Reflections on Perfectionism

As someone who has battled perfectionism, I can remember all to well the relentless pursuit to get it all right. How many sleepless nights I spent agonising over details of a project, fearing that any mistake would reflect my inadequacy. The fear of failure was debilitating, leading to missed opportunities. However, through self-awareness and working on my self-perception, I learned to embrace my imperfections and understand that they do not define my worth. Even today, when I spot a mistake, there is a slight cringe that moves through my body, but I am able to focus on the bigger picture and the relating facts, reminding myself that we are human, and mistakes are bound to happen.

Overcoming Perfectionism

Overcoming perfectionism is not about lowering your standards but rather about finding a healthy balance. Here are some strategies that have helped me and can help you, too:

1. Set Realistic Goals:

Aim high, but be realistic. Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. I know you must hear this a lot, but we need to acknowledge what we are doing right and in turn balance the scales for what we do well and things that need improving.

2. Challenge Perfectionist Thoughts:

Question the validity of your perfectionist beliefs. Are they realistic? What is the worst that can happen if you make a mistake? Often, the consequences we fear are exaggerated. Step through the process and keep asking yourself, “then what?” to your answers”

3. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities:

Understand that mistakes are a natural part of the learning process, and very much apart of being human. Start thinking that errors can be an opportunity to improve and grow.

4. Focus on the Process:

As perfectionists, we tend to focus on the result, but most of our time is spent on the process, so why not learn to enjoy the journey and the experiences along the way?

Focusing on the process just requires us to form a new habit, every time your mind shifts to the end result, gently bring it back to the present moment.

5. Practice Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation. And this means changing your inner dialogue to encouragement and support for yourself.

Related post: Cultivating Self-compassion

6. Seek Support:

Talking about your perfectionist tendencies with a trained professional, can really help alleviate the internal struggle. . You don’t need to do this alone and even if it seems to good to be true, there are ways to re-evaluate the need to be perfect all the time, trust me, from someone who knows, first hand.

Want to speak to me? - I offer a 20 minute free session -

7. Delegate Tasks:

Trust others to handle certain responsibilities. Recognise that it’s alright if things aren’t done exactly as you would do them. Delegating can help reduce the burden of trying to maintain control over every detail. And let’s face it, doing everything yourself is too time consuming, as a result you end up not doing half the things you intended.

“Doing everything yourself is too time consuming, as a result you end up not doing half the things you intended - get into the habit of delegating.”

8. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques:

Engage in mindfulness and relaxation techniques to help alleviate the anxiety and stress associated with perfectionism. Being present in the moment can help in letting go of the need for everything to be perfect by reminding yourself to stay focused on the process and what you are doing in the moment.

9. Celebrate Imperfections:

Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Recognising and appreciating the steps you’ve taken can help shift the focus from unattainable perfection to personal growth and improvement.

Moving Forward

Perfectionism can be a daunting trait to manage, but it is possible to find a balance. By recognising the signs, challenging unrealistic beliefs, and embracing imperfections, you can lead a more fulfilling and less stressful life. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being your best self and appreciating the journey along the way.

I hope my experiences and these strategies will help you or someone you know navigate the complexities of perfectionism. Embrace the beauty of imperfection and allow yourself the freedom to grow and learn without the constraints of unrealistic standards. You are enough just as you are. 

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