A woman bending down to a white desk lining up paperclips in straight rows to perfection.

Overcoming perfectionism isn’t just about learning to “relax” or “lower your standards.”

It can feel like battling an invisible force inside you, one that whispers that you’re only as good as your last achievement.

I remember sitting there, staring at my screen, heart pounding so loudly it felt like the whole room could hear it.

This is it, I kept thinking. This is my one big break. My one shot to prove myself.

If I didn’t get this right….every word perfect, every detail flawless, I was sure no one would ever take me seriously again. They’d think I was incompetent, unworthy, a fraud.

My mind spiraled: Why didn’t I start sooner? Why did I leave this to the last minute? Why didn’t I ask for help when I had the chance?

I told myself I had to do it alone, that if I asked for help or delegated even a small piece, it would mean I wasn’t good enough to handle it myself.

My chest was tight, my shoulders locked up around my ears. I kept rewriting the same sentence over and over, convinced that one wrong word could ruin everything.

I wasn’t just aiming for excellence; I was terrified of failure. Terrified that if I wasn’t perfect, I would lose my only chance, my credibility, my worth.

That’s the cruel trap of perfectionism. It convinces you that everything rides on this one moment….that one slip-up means you’re done for.

Sound familiar?

What is Perfectionism, Really?

Perfectionism isn’t simply about wanting to do well or caring about quality. At its core, perfectionism is a protective strategy.

It shows up when we believe our worth depends on what we achieve, how flawless we appear, or how much we can prove ourselves to others.

Perfectionism is often rooted in early experiences, moments when love, praise, or safety felt conditional.

Maybe you learned that being “the best” kept you safe from criticism or gave you a sense of belonging.

Over time, these patterns get internalised and feel like truth: I must be perfect to be accepted. I must not fail to deserve love.

Psychologists have described perfectionism as a self-defeating pattern linked to chronic stress, burnout, and even depression. It can rob us of joy, creativity, and connection, replacing them with self-doubt and an endless chase for external approval (Stoeber & Otto (2006) Stoeber & Otto (2006).

Perfectionism doesn’t always look the same. It wears different masks, depending on what we learned growing up and what we feel we need to do to stay safe or worthy.

Research by Hewitt and Flett (1991) categorised perfectionism into three main types.

Understanding these can help us see our patterns more clearly, and start to soften them with compassion rather than harsh self-judgment.

3 Types of Perfectionism

1. Self-Oriented Perfectionists

These individuals set extremely high standards for themselves and feel intense self-criticism when they fall short.

Think of someone who beats themselves up endlessly for a small typo in a big work presentation, even when everyone else thought it was brilliant.

They might replay the mistake over and over, convinced it defines their worth.

2. Other-Oriented Perfectionists

People with this pattern hold high expectations for others, partners, friends, children, colleagues.

When someone doesn’t meet these standards, they might feel deeply frustrated or disappointed.

Imagine a manager who expects every team member to work late hours “just like them,” and struggles to accept anything less than perfection from those around them.

3. Socially-Prescribed Perfectionists

This type involves feeling pressured to meet impossibly high standards set by others (or what they believe others expect).

They live with a sense that they’re constantly being watched and judged, and any slip-up might mean rejection or failure.

Picture someone who avoids posting online or sharing creative work because they’re terrified of criticism or disappointing their audience. The fear of letting others down can feel paralysing.

But not all is lost.

Recognising these patterns is the first gentle step toward change.

When we can see how perfectionism shows up, the thoughts, the habits, the quiet ways it shapes our choices…..we create space to choose differently.

Here are some common signs of perfectionism to help you reflect.

As you read, you might notice moments from your own life. That’s okay. This isn’t about judging or shaming yourself. it’s about bringing soft awareness to what’s been running in the background.

Recognising the Signs of Perfectionism

Recognising perfectionism in yourself or others can be challenging. Here are eight signs to help identify this trait:

1. All or Nothing Thinking.

You find yourself thinking, “If it’s not perfect, it’s worthless.”

You either nail it or you feel like you’ve completely failed. There’s no middle ground, no room to breathe. Maybe you prepared a big presentation and one slide wasn’t exactly how you pictured, suddenly, the entire thing feels ruined in your mind.

Or you promise yourself to work out every day this week, but you miss one day and instantly feel like you’ve failed completely, so you give up altogether.

2. Hyper-focus on Mistakes.

You can’t stop replaying that tiny slip-up in your head.

Even when ten people tell you what a great job you did, your mind clings to the one offhand comment or the one small error, a forgotten word, a minor typo, a single awkward laugh.

You lie awake at night, heart racing, whispering to yourself, “Why did I say that? Why didn’t I check that one last time?”

3. Unrealistically High Standards.

You don’t just aim high; you aim for impossible.

It’s not enough to do well, you feel like you have to be the best, every time, no exceptions.

You want to be the perfect friend, the perfect partner, the perfect parent, the perfect employee….always calm, always on top of everything, never slipping.

And when you inevitably fall short, you feel like you’ve failed at life itself.

4. Fear of Failure.

The fear of not getting it “right” can be so loud it drowns out your dreams.

You might spend years sitting on that creative idea because the thought of putting it out there….and not being amazing…..feels unbearable.

What if they laugh? What if no one cares? What if I prove to everyone that I’m not good enough after all?

5. Procrastination.

It looks like laziness from the outside, but inside it’s an endless battle of “I can’t start until I know it’ll be perfect.”

You keep putting off the project, the conversation, the application, waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect energy, the perfect plan.

And deep down, it hurts to watch life pass by while you stay stuck on the sidelines, frozen by the fear of imperfection.

6. Overemphasis on Results.

You can’t enjoy the journey because all you can see is the finish line.

Every small win along the way feels meaningless unless the final outcome is flawless.

You finish a big project, but instead of feeling proud, your mind immediately leaps to the next thing to fix or improve.

The joy, the growth, the messy middle, it all gets lost in the chase for that one perfect result.

7. Difficulty Delegating.

You carry the whole world on your shoulders because letting anyone else help feels too risky.

You tell yourself, “If I don’t do it, it won’t be done right.”

You struggle to trust others with even small tasks, and when you do let go, you feel anxious, hovering, checking, redoing.

It leaves you exhausted, resentful, and secretly wishing someone would just take care of you for a change.

8. Self-worth Tied to Achievement.

Your sense of value rises and falls with every success or stumble.

When things go well, you feel a fleeting rush of “I’m okay now.” But one small setback, and suddenly you feel worthless again.

It’s like living on a fragile tightrope….always waiting for the next external validation to reassure you that you matter, even just for a moment.

Recognising these signs isn’t meant to make you feel ashamed…..it’s a gentle invitation to see yourself with more compassion.

Once you see the patterns clearly, you can begin to loosen their grip and move toward a kinder, more spacious way of being.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Overcoming perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards or giving up on excellence.

It’s about learning to hold yourself with kindness, even when things don’t go exactly as planned.

It’s about letting go of the belief that your worth depends on what you achieve or how flawless you appear.

Here are some ways you can start to soften perfectionism’s grip and breathe a little more freely again:

1. Set Realistic Goals (and celebrate the messy middle)

Aim high, but stay human. Break big goals down into smaller, doable steps that feel encouraging rather than punishing.

When you finish something, even if it’s not “perfect,” take a moment to notice what you did accomplish. Maybe you finished the first draft, made that phone call you’d been dreading, or showed up for yourself in a new way.

You might hear that voice saying, “It’s not enough.” Pause. Breathe. Remind yourself: Progress matters more than perfection.

2. Gently Question Your Thoughts

When you catch that critical voice telling you it has to be perfect or else, try asking:

Is this really true? What would happen if it wasn’t perfect? What’s the worst that could actually happen?

Keep asking, Then what?

Often, you’ll discover that the fear shrinks when you look at it directly. You’ll see that your value isn’t really at stake, just an old story playing out.

3. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities

This one can feel uncomfortable at first. But mistakes aren’t proof that you’re unworthy, they’re proof that you’re human and that you’re trying.

Imagine a child learning to walk. Every fall is part of the process. You wouldn’t shame them for stumbling, you’d cheer them on. What if you could hold yourself the same way?

4. Focus on the Process, Not Just the Outcome

When your mind races to the finish line, gently bring it back to this step, this moment.

What can you notice or appreciate right now? The feeling of your hands moving across the keyboard, the spark of an idea coming to life, the relief of finally starting.

Life isn’t lived only in results. it’s lived in all the messy, surprising in-betweens.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

This isn’t just a fluffy idea. It’s a practice.

When you hear that harsh inner critic, pause and ask: What would I say to a dear friend in this moment?

Then offer those words to yourself. Over time, this rewires your relationship with yourself, from one of constant punishment to one of quiet support and trust.

Related Blogs: Cultivating Self-compassion

6. Ask for Support

You don’t have to do it all alone.

Talk to someone you trust, a friend, a coach, a therapist, coach or mentor.

Sometimes just saying out loud, “I’m scared of not being good enough,” can loosen it’s grip on you.

As someone who has walked (and continues to walk) this path…..a recovering perfectionist myself, I know how hard it can feel to open up.

If you’d like a safe space to explore this together, I’d be more than happy to support you. I offer a free 20-minute call where we can gently unpack where perfectionism might be holding you back and what new possibilities could feel like.

Find a time here, to connect.

7. Learn to Delegate and Release Control

Letting go can feel terrifying, but also deeply freeing.

Start small. Hand off a task at work or let someone else plan part of a family event. Notice the discomfort, and remind yourself that you’re safe even when things aren’t exactly as you would have done them.

You might discover that connection grows when you stop trying to control every detail.

“Doing everything yourself is too time consuming, as a result you end up not doing half the things you intended - get into the habit of delegating.”

8. Celebrate Tiny Wins

We often wait to celebrate until everything is “finished” or “perfect.”

But what if you could celebrate each brave step?

Finishing that first draft. Asking for help. Starting before you feel fully ready.

These small moments deserve your kindness and acknowledgment.

They are proof that you’re showing up, and that’s worth so much more than perfection.

Moving Forward

This journey isn’t about flipping a switch and suddenly being free from perfectionism forever.

It’s about gently noticing, choosing differently, and coming back to compassion…….over and over.

It’s about learning to hold your messy, beautiful humanity with softness.

I promise: You are already worthy. You don’t have to earn it.

You are enough, exactly as you are……typos, rough drafts, awkward pauses and all.

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Understanding and Overcoming Perfectionism: A Personal Approach