The People-Pleasing Trap: Why We Keep Saying Yes When We Want to Say No

September 30, 2024 Karen Barnes

People pleasing? Have you ever found yourself agreeing to do something when every part of you wanted to say “no”?

Or maybe you often bend over backward to make others happy, even at the expense of your own well-being?

Welcome to the world of people-pleasing—a common behaviour with deep psychological roots.

Lets explore the reasons behind people-pleasing, all backed by psychological research, and offer you practical strategies to break free from its grip.

Let’s dive into the “why” behind this universal habit and how to start prioritising yourself without the guilt.

Why Do We People Please?

1. The Fear of Rejection and Abandonment in People Pleasing

One of the key drivers behind people-pleasing is the fear of rejection. Psychology explain that humans are wired for connection. Evolutionarily speaking, being part of a group increased our chances of survival. But this fear becomes unhealthy when it turns into an overwhelming need to be liked and accepted by everyone.

According to Attachment Theory, individuals with anxious attachment styles often feel insecure about their relationships, fearing abandonment or rejection. These individuals may go to great lengths to ensure they remain in good standing with others.

For example, let’s take Sarah, a diligent worker, who finds herself always volunteering for extra tasks at work. She’s worried that if she doesn’t put in the extra hours, her manager will view her as lazy or uncommitted. However, over time, she becomes exhausted and resentful, but this fear of rejection stops her from saying no.

2. Low Self-Worth: Measuring Your Value by Others’ Approval

People with low self-worth tend to believe their value is determined by how others perceive them. If you don’t feel confident in your worth, it’s easy to fall into the trap of seeking validation externally. This often manifests as people-pleasing behaviours.

Studies on self-esteem, have shown that individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to engage in people-pleasing to gain external validation. Self-compassion, however, is a healthier alternative that can help people focus on their inherent worth rather than seeking approval.

For example, imagine Lisa, who’s always complimenting her friends and doing favours, not because she truly wants to, but because she’s afraid they’ll leave her out if she doesn’t. Her self-worth is so tied up in these relationships that she puts her own needs aside just to keep them happy.

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3. Social Conditioning and Cultural Influence on People Pleasing Behaviour

Cultural and societal expectations play a significant role in shaping people-pleasing behaviours, especially for women. Many cultures reward people—particularly women—for being agreeable, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. As a result, people-pleasing becomes not just a habit but a virtue that society upholds.

Gender role socialisation research, indicates that women are often socialised to prioritise others’ needs above their own, reinforcing people-pleasing behaviours.

Take Julia, for instance. She juggles work, family, and her social life without ever asking for help. While society applauds her as the “superwoman,” deep down, she’s exhausted and losing herself in the process.

4. Conflict Avoidance: Keeping the Peace at All Costs

Most people-pleasers hate conflict. They believe that maintaining peace in relationships is more important than standing up for their own needs. While this may seem like a noble pursuit, avoiding conflict can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout over time.

Conflict-avoidant individuals often engage in people-pleasing to smooth over potential disagreements. Studies in conflict resolution, show that avoiding conflict often leads to long-term dissatisfaction in relationships.

For example, Margie is the friend who never speaks up in group discussions. She always goes along with what everyone else wants to do, even if it’s not something she enjoys. Her fear of rocking the boat keeps her silent, but she often feels invisible and unheard.

5. Perfectionism and People Pleasing: The Need for Control and Approval

Some people-pleasers are driven by perfectionism. They believe that in order to be liked or accepted, they must be “perfect” in all their interactions. They try to control how others perceive them by being overly agreeable, helpful, or accommodating.

A study on perfectionism , reveals that individuals who are perfectionists are more likely to engage in people-pleasing behaviors, as they strive to manage others’ perceptions.

Let me give you an example. Kelly spends hours perfecting presentations, doing way more than necessary because she’s terrified of criticism. Her fear of judgment drives her to over-deliver, thinking she needs to appear flawless. As a result, she sacrifices her own well-being to gain approval, leaving her feeling drained and disconnected from her own needs.

6. Anxiety and Insecurity: The People-Pleasing Loop

People-pleasing and anxiety often go hand-in-hand. The more anxious you are about how people perceive you, the more likely you are to engage in people-pleasing behaviours to ease that anxiety. However, this creates a loop—pleasing others often leads to exhaustion, which then leads to more anxiety and insecurity.

Research on social anxiety, suggests that individuals with high levels of anxiety are more prone to people-pleasing as a way to reduce perceived social threats.

For example Kate apologises constantly, even for things that aren’t her fault. His anxiety about being perceived as rude or incompetent drives her people-pleasing behaviours, which only reinforces her insecurities.

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Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing

You can break the people-pleasing cycle! It takes time and effort, but with some self-awareness and boundary-setting, you can learn to prioritise yourself without the guilt.

a. Building Self-Worth

Start recognising your value from within, not from how others perceive you.
Journaling self-affirmations and practicing self-compassion are excellent first steps. That is treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when you make mistakes.
Start acknowledging what you do well.
Recognise your achievements and practice gratitude for yourself.
For example: Write down three things you appreciate about yourself each day, independent of what anyone else thinks. This will help reinforce your self-worth.
Learn to accept compliments. Many people-pleasers struggle to accept compliments. Learning to graciously receive them can be a powerful step toward building self-worth.
For example: When someone compliments you, resist the urge to downplay or deflect it. Simply say “thank you” and allow yourself to feel good about it

b. Setting Boundaries

Start small. Practice saying “no” in situations where you feel stretched too thin. Communicating your limits is key to breaking the people-pleasing habit.

Boundary-setting studies, show that learning to say no reduces stress and increases emotional well-being.

For example: If someone asks you to take on extra work, politely say, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now.”

c. Embracing Conflict

Learn to handle conflict in a healthy way. Assertiveness training can help you express your needs and opinions without resorting to people-pleasing.

Assertiveness training has been shown to reduce anxiety and increase self-confidence in social situations.

For example: The next time you disagree with someone, practice stating your opinion calmly and confidently, without feeling the need to back down or agree to keep the peace.

People-pleasing is often a learned behavior, shaped by our psychological makeup and life experiences. But just because you’ve been a people-pleaser doesn’t mean you have to stay one forever. By understanding the underlying reasons behind this behaviour—and with some practical strategies—you can start prioritising yourself and creating healthier relationships, all without feeling guilty.

It’s time to put yourself first—because you’re worth it.

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